Why Tomb Raider is the most important game for years: A reboot done correctly.

Scene: E3 2011

The hype was palpable.

A Lara who bled… who needs BANDAGES?! (Yet still without a hair out of place!)

Tomb Raider: Exclusive gameplay footage was about to be shown of the latest instalment in the franchise. After well over four years of development, and the much publicised stills, concept art that showed a younger Lara, a vulnerable Lara. Lara who bled and required medical assistance. A Lara who wasn’t the indestructible Bond of the archaeological world. This game required you to train Lara into the well known gun toting, siren… and well spoken, British Aristocrat.

And so the gameplay footage began: and in doing so, began one of the most well received and critically successful (unreleased) games ever. Footage showed a young girl, well able perhaps, but young and inexperienced none the less. This was an origins story unlike anything ever seen before. And a lesson in how to do them.

Alright. So that was that. Tomb Raider. A game with universal success and undisputed rave reviews. But why is it so important? What makes it more so than say… Halo, Farcry, Uncharted 3? Why is Tomb Raider so special?

To begin with, Tomb Raider was a reboot. An origins story. They seem to be pretty Vogue now-a-days eh? Star Trek, Spiderman, Superman, Batman, Halo (slightly re-booted!), Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, Dredd, X-Men, Total Recall, Snow White… in all its Kirsten Stewart bland glory (not fan of the woman, I’ll get that out there right now. How she has managed to break into acting is beyond me. Should have stuck to modelling, it’s one-look and requires zero verbal interaction, that’s where her future should have pointed.)  to name but a few. They’ve all been made darker, grounded… Nolan-ised! Nolan-ised franchises are the new fad. Ever since Batman Begins and Dark Knight showed it was possible to ground a franchise such as Batman in a ‘possible’ universe, the world a has gone mental for the believable.

But, bar Batman, they’ve all fallen short of audience expectations. So how does Tomb Raider differ? How has it become the yard mark for all future reboots?

The first clue is in the title: Tomb Raider. This was a game that took an unprecedented risk in the game world. A franchise nearing its 20^th Anniversary, whose biggest boot to date was a HD re-release of its original title, (ironically titled Anniversary). No, this reboot took the original puzzle adventure game and brought it from a series re-treading old ground; solving puzzles, sorting a few miscreants en route and (weirdly for a woman who loves all creatures great and small) putting a few species further up the Red List, to a game that pushed the now aging next gen consoles to the absolute limit of their capabilities whilst offering fans something completely new. Almost to a point (bar the lead herself) of being unrecognisable from what had come before it.

She’s improved her look… but no major leap forward other than graphically… till now

The game promised a true survivor and adult storyline. A storyline that took Lara from young archaeologist to an SAS level soldier. A woman who had been backed into a corner, and like the animal simile: had been moulded into a true danger to those around her. Forced to kill to survive. The first shots showing a filthy, bloodied, bandaged and darker Lara (who looked closer to the images of her doppelganger in Underworld than the character we were used to; perfect hair, make up and er… well proportioned and positioned bosom in one of the most indestructible wonderbras ever made [see above image!]) made a bold statement: Survivor, killer and pushed beyond her limits. Ie: not for children.

A grounded character. Training to be a survivor. But she still has some kick ass weapons… and a FANTASTIC British accent

And boy were they right: the age rating was released: PEGI 18. And perhaps could have been knocked down with a slightly smaller digital blood bank and less adult language coding. But, Square Enix was out to make a statement. The target audience: original Tomb Raider game players, had grown up. Newer target audiences had grown tired of clean gaming with disappearing bodies, unrealistic recovery and the game leading the player instead of vice versa. It was time bring Lara to an older game playing generation, a tested generation out for a new challenge, a generation wanting grounded gameplay offering a true challenge. But how do you do that for a franchise with a heroine that has seen everything and is capable of everything? Easy. You Make the woman a girl, take away her experience and knowledge.

So Square Enix had taken their character back to the beginning. But how do you revitalise such a successful form of gameplay? You don’t. You offer something new: Farcry and Uncharted 3 had shown developers what gameplayers want: Open world, grounded gameplay and a vunerable character. Villains who are equally grounded and sensible: intelligent AI and most importantly as developed in Halo 3, characters both major and minor that players care about.

Square Enix delivered just that. Uncharted style gameplay with minor elements of what makes Tomb Raider a classic. Instead of mind stumping puzzles as part of the main game, the reboot offered mind stumping tombs/side missions en route that allowed gamers the classic tomb raider experience, without impacting on the flow of the main story. The characters also, not simplistic goons following a pre determined path; but hardened island survivors who adapted to your fighting style. Still limited yes, but much better than those of previous incarnations of the franchise. Again, pushing what capabilities the current generation of consoles have.

So, a complete reboot: redefines the very nature of what makes a Tomb Raider game whilst also giving gamers EXACTLY what they want. Not only from a modern day adventure game, but from a classic Tomb Raider title also.

It is, without doubt, one of the greatest modern games, and certainly one of, if not the greatest Tomb Raider title. It is the definition of how to correctly reboot a franchise.

Bloodied, bruised, filthy, emotionally and physically drained. But still one of the greatest characters, best franchise and frankly… sexiest pieces of coding ever conceived in gaming.

Welcome back Lara Croft.

Why The Dark Knight Rises trumps The Dark Knight.

Why The Dark Knight Rises trumps The Dark Knight.

And, why The Joker Won.

The Greatest Trilogy of all time?

                I just want to say to begin with, that this piece isn’t a review or a critique of either The Dark Knight or The Dark Knight Rises and that yes, it does contain spoilers. This piece is an exploration of the themes and devices used throughout the Dark Knight Trilogy (Yes, it is a trilogy oh learn-ed folk, don’t forget that little film that began it all). It attempts to give my opinion on why the Trilogy is fantastic (beyond the obvious) and why, in this author’s humble opinion, the final film is indeed, the greatest of the three.

I want to start this article with a quote from The Dark Knight:

Mike Engel: [kidnapped by the Joker, Engel is reading a prepared statement] “I’m Mike Engel for Gotham Tonight. What does it take to make you people join in? You failed to kill the lawyer. I’ve got to get you off the bench…”
The Joker: Bench…
Mike Engel: “And into the game.”
The Joker: …game.
Mike Engel: “Come nightfall, this city is mine…”
The Joker: Mine…
Mike Engel: “… and anyone left here plays by my rules.”
The Joker: …rules.
Mike Engel: “If you don’t want to be in the game… get out now.
The Joker: …get out now
Mike Engel: But the bridge and tunnel crowd are sure in for a surprise. Ha ha ha ha.”
[Joker laughs]

Anthony Michael Hall/Heath Ledger, Mike Engel & The Joker respectively, The Dark Knight

And here, we… Go.

This whole piece illustrates what Rises does so well throughout its epic running time: it borrows, echoes and pays homage to the two films that came before it. It also illustrates why The Joker won: His mission to bring chaos to Gotham, was based on getting every citizen involved and ‘into the game’. Bane, with a plan; actually no. That’s wrong; Bane is “a schemer. A schemer trying to control his little world”. Another message brought through from The Dark Knight. Bane’s whole plan could almost be a continuation of The Joker’s work. And what’s terrifying is that it comes off. Bane’s ‘little world’; aka, Gotham does become just that, Banes’ World, under his control.

The Joker won, every citizen in Gotham becomes involved in the ensuing chaos. It is even started at a game of American Football…

with the line “Let the Games begin”. Alright, Bane does not give Gotham any warning, as joker did. But he got them quite literally off the bench, and into the game. Fair play to the bloke!

Applause, Applause, Applause… End scene.
That’s right folks. Applaud Bane… Quickly, becuase he deserves it.

And this idea, this constant effort to rip you back four and six years is what Rises does so well. Every set piece, every epic scene is a metaphor for what has come before it. It closes everything off, both with loose ends and with the metaphorical and spiritual aspect of Nolan’s world. What he creates, is a final act of love, devotion and care. You can almost hear Ra’s Al Ghul’s words whispering through the crowds:

“If you make yourself more than just a man, you become something else entirely… Legend, Mr. Nolan”.

So, we have begun with the glaringly obvious point that Bane is essentially Joker with an ounce of control and forward planning to his name. However, let’s stay with Bane shall we, and just what a daring villain choice it was for Nolan. I mean, the last time we saw Bane on screen, he looked something like this:

And I think we’d all like to forget about that monstrosity of modern cinema. Now, upon hearing this, automatically, expectations grew. You could see the tomatoes festering in the sun, critics wanting this to be a failure. Bane was too larger than life, too much for Nolan’s physically grounded version of DC’s world. All that was needed was Uma Thurman back as an aged, saggy Poison Ivy and you had it; Nolan admitting defeat, going for a mediocre film that ‘would be better than previous entries in the series, but nothing compared to the Dark Knight’. And that ladies and germs, is why Rises, quite literally, Nuclear Bombs all over the previous 2 entries: First, we saw that image; Bane. In shadowy glory. Bane. Whose mask wasn’t full of ‘venom’. No, he was addicted to painkillers. Bane, whose mask, with its

That image…

oversized teeth looks astonishingly similar to another set of teeth that set this series off don’t you think? Bugger… perhaps Nolan hadn’t thrown in the towel just yet then!

But back to those teeth. What i hear you asking do they look so similar too. Why… All those years ago, in 2006, when Master Bruce fell quite literally into his own tiny version of hell. Into that gaping mouth of darkness… Looking at the screeching became louder, the rustling stronger… Watching as the symbol of what he would become flew out of that cave mouth towards him.

That cave, as another metaphorical circle come complete; when last we saw that cave, Bruce was boarding over it with wood; symbolically, he hadn’t confronted his fear, his guilt over his parents’ death. No, he had put a sticking plaster over something that needed a skin graft. He didn’t fear death because he wanted to die. To let the suffering in his heart and mind end. A feeling that was doubled when Rachel died at the hands of the joker. Bruce needed to confront those teeth and that cave. And when he defeats Bane, he finally grafts the new skin over his pain. He is able to move on. (And move on he bloody well does!)

It’s too its credit that Rises refers back to Begins more the TDK. TDK set the expectation level ridiculously high for Rises. And whilst it is a direct continuation of the story, Begins is where the big loose end lay; what happened to the League of Shadows after Ra’s death? And more importantly, what IS Wayne Manor anew really like? Sure TDK had some, perhaps deeper questions; what would Gotham, post Dent really be like? But, for some reason, the vision of Batman riding off into the night and into retirement felt complete in an odd way. Almost like, he wasn’t needed and therefore could hang up his cowl for good and attempt to lead a normal life. For me, Begins was always an unfinished beginning, the foundations for a bigger tale.

And the parallels continue: The ice that Bruce trained on in the first third of Begins has spread to Gotham as the League of Shadows takes hold. The privileged must now do as Batman did, and walk out onto the ice and trust in their natural earth, not the lower classes backs as they have done their entire lives, to get them across. The fact that, upon meeting his ally and protégé for the first time, Bruce is sporting a beard that looks uncannily like Mr. Neeson’s whence we first make his acquaintance in the opening scenes for Batmans’ beginning. And when we first meet Miranda Tate, her unveiling as a character (a character we later learn is false) is at a high society dinner; Hmm, looks a shade too close to Ducard’s revelation that he is in fact Mr Al Ghul to be mere coincidence. Neeson himself, also makes an appearance; in a vision and again, we harken back to lines that were so throw away in the first film; ‘Once I had a wife, she was taken from me.’ And guess what… we learn who she was, HOW and WHY she was taken. And this is what I love. It feels like every tiny aspect of Rises was devised to fit into some aspect of the other two films. The care and attention to detail is pitched perfectly. Even the ‘floatation of stocks’ at Wayne Enterprises, (a side story that felt almost like comic relief of a ‘ooh, he’ll get his just desserts’ by the end of Begins), was something that felt closed; no. All of a sudden that tiny little piece of side story now has a HUGE part to play in Rises.

But those storylines are easily forgotten. Easily ignored. The same as the metaphorical aspects that are brought through from the previous two films. One of the most glaringly obvious metaphors is that of ‘the pit’. One of the biggest aspects of all the films is ‘hope’. In Batman Begins, we see Master Bruce, fall down a pit, a pit with teeth (see above). In that pit, we see the sky, we see the vain of hope stretch away into the distance. The hope is kindled though when we see Thomas Wayne rappel down on a rope, uttering those immortal lines:

“Bruce, why do we fall?”

“So we can learn to pick ourselves up”

Linus Roache, Thomas Wayne, Batman Begins

 

When Bruce is in ‘The Pit’ in Rises, looking up at the sky, waiting for Bane’s prediction to come true; being driven mad by hope. We can hear Wayne Seniors words being whispered round the crowds, as they will for him, pray for him to make a surprise appearance, rappel down and whisk his son off to safety. But no, they can see it, this is  ajourney our aged Master Bruce must make, alone. Bruce has fallen, defeated by Bane; he has to learn to pick himself up. Learn to fear death again. As the doctor of the Pit says; fear drives men to fight with their last breath. Living without fear means you have no reason to fight. So Bruce’s metaphorical understanding of that reason we fall, that reason it is sane to live with fear in your life – is the reason that quite literally. The Dark. Knight. Rises.

One of my favourite pieces of trickery, and it’s one I’m not even sure is meant, is one of colour. There are 2 aspects that make me smile every time I see Rises: Number one, the colour pallet changes over the course of the film. It starts with a majority of blue, grey and yellow but as the film progresses, right up until the final 10 minutes (which I won’t go into); it slowly shifts over to darker hues of blue and black. This is a stunning piece of theatre: Batman Begins was a black film, black and dark brown. TDK was a majority blue and grey wash film (watch them, you’ll see it), Rises moves from TDK’s blue and grey hue over to a darker, deeper blue and black over the course of the film, marking the trilogies full circle in the most beautifully thought out piece of lighting that I have ever seen. And that’s not all. No, no, Batman fans, not by a long chock. I have another quote for you to mull over quickly before you continue this piece:

“If you are bored of brawling with thieves and want to achieve something…

…there is a rare blue flower that grows on the eastern slopes.

Pick one of these flowers…

…you may find what you were looking for in the first place.”

Liam Neeson, Ducard/Ra’s Al Ghul, Batman Begins

A Rare blue flower: one that we shall see throughout the Trilogy

Now, in exactly the same way as The Tramp’s appreciation of ‘The Nice Coat’ in Batman Begins marked the end of Batman’s training and conception and the beginning of the Bruce Wayne/Batman story, the Rare blue flower was an idea and device that was used throughout the trilogy. But used with particular effect in both the beginning and final scenes. The idea of the flower, the idea that it was a piece of beauty that harboured a sinister secret in the hands of humanity; that idea was everything in the Trilogy; the clean energy fusion reactor that became a nuclear bomb, the Joker himself, even Harvey Dent’s descent into madness… look at the films and you can see the device echoed throughout them. But in particular with Catwoman. Anne Hathaway is undeniably stunning. Catwoman is deadly, bred by a less than desirable branch of humanity in the streets of Gotham.

But what marks her apart from all the other blue flower devices is the final scene. Just as Bruce Wayne picked the blue flower, and sought what he had sought when he started his journey to understand the criminal mind:

“I seek the means to fight injustice, to turn fear against those who prey on the fearful.”

Christian Bale, Bruce Wayne, Batman Begins

 

In Rises our final glimpse of both Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle (aka, Catwoman) is in an Italian café through the eyes of Alfred, after

Catwoman: the physical embodiment of The Blue Flower

they are presumed dead. Presumed dead, but free from burden, of guilt, of shame and of expectation. Free at last to enjoy their lives and be happy. Something Bruce Wayne had sought all through TDK and Rises; a life free of Batman. And what is Selina wearing? A subtle, but very noticeable dress in a particular shade of blue…

Rises isn’t a film that is for newcomers, although they will enjoy the ride, make no mistake about that. No, Rises is a film for Batman fans, and in particular, Dark Knight Trilogy fans. To get every level, to appreciate the detail and thought that has gone into every frame, you need to have seen and remembered every aspect of the prior films. It is a master class of trilogy film making, one that I think will be studied for years to come.

And so ends my short exploration of why Rises trumps TDK and in doing so every Batman film before it. And why, because going into this cinematic event, expectations had been higher than for any film prior. The level Christopher Nolan set when he crafted The Dark Knight was something extraordinary. Rises had a monumental task just to match that. And no one thought it could, although many hoped. But what Rises has done is not only raise the game in terms of scope, size, themes, acting class and story, Rises has also crafted every aspect of its metaphorical underlay, every aspect of loose end story left in the previous two films and every aspect that both films did so well in their own right (Begins with its dark, film noir style, setting and themes, Dark Knight, with its grand vision, use of IMAX camera, emotional rollercoaster storytelling and character development) and has brought every aspect of those themes, metaphors and stories and brought them together to pay homage to both. And has done so in a fucking fantastic way. What Nolan attempted to do when he decided to tell this particular story, in this particular style to close off this particular trilogy, could easily have been a mess, a disaster, a ‘yet another perfect trilogy ruined at the final jump’. But it wasn’t. It was a beautiful, Oscar worthy piece of cinema.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, with all the expectation and all the hope riding on its shoulders, is why the Dark Knight Rises is the best film of the Dark Knight Trilogy.

We can now, truely say, not only the dark knight, but the standard expected of theatre, has Risen.

You have made yourself more than just a man.
You have made yourself something more Mr. Nolan…
…Legend

Tablet Wars: Episode IV – The Google Nexus 7 Release Day*

Or ‘How Google Managed to Shit on Every Loyal Customer, Kill Their Reputation and Send Thousands of People Flooding Back to Apple’s Devil Like Arms’.

*For ‘Day’, read ‘Month’, for ‘Month’, read ‘Saga’, for ‘Saga’, read, ‘The Biggest Customer Service and Technology Release Cock up Since the iPhone Generation 1’.

The Little Tablet that Could?
Could this be it? Finally? The Tablet that makes Apple Fall.

July 27^TH 2012

The technology world explodes with excitement; the Google Nexus 7 tablet is revealed for the first time; a ridiculously high tech piece of equipment for a mind blowingly low price of $199 (£159). Online forums go mental, Twitter goes wild with speculations over how Google are selling units at a loss to literally bite into the ‘Apple’ tablet market and more importantly ‘When the FUCK can I order mine!?’.

Then, it’s whispered quietly between a few (you know it can’t be true), then shared with words of caution between a few on forums (it isn’t confirmed), then someone takes a screenshot: ‘I’VE FUCKING DONE IT! I’VE PRE ORDERED MINE! I’M GOING TO BE AMONGST THE FIRST FUCKING FEW TO GET IT!’

That’s right folks. Unless you’ve been living under a brick, or sat in your shack, watching your CRT TV display white noise wondering when BBC News went so downhill, you’ll know that Google did something unprecedented on that fateful day; they released their revolutionary Nexus 7 Tablet for pre-order quite literally, 30 minutes after it was unveiled at their convention. No solid release date was given, merely a vague ‘Mid July’: Clearly Google had taken a leaf out of Apples book, and decided that keeping this vague would create chatter amongst the online world (essentially free advertising). Utter genius, the release came, the specs were given, the price dropped, and then the bombshell: GO! MOVE! QUICK! ORDER YOURS NOW! ONLY AT GOOGLE PLAY! Then it vanished. No word, no more specs, or upgrade news, add ons, no news on accessories, cases. NOTHING. Just the news you could get it NOW and the only place to get it was Google Play.

Well, the geek world went mad. Leaked news was that in the first 3 days, over 3 million units had been pre-ordered through the site. Within 2 weeks, over 5 million units were supposedly allocated to Loyal Android Customers.

I don’t, by the way, use those three words lightly. I really mean it: Loyal. Android.

Om Nom Nom!
Shine that Backside Apple, Androids Gonna Get Ya!

Customers. They really have been. For years, they have been waiting for a Tablet that would match the colossal success of the iPad, match the specs, the build quality, never diverging from their loyal little Green Bot, waiting patiently for that day to come: When they could waive their banners proudly, shouting through megaphones that it was here! The Android Tablet that shit on everything Apple had done, and for less than half the price.

Don’t get me wrong, the Nexus 7 is no Apple killer, or it was never meant to be, it was meant to rival the Kindle Fire. However, the price, and quality, has meant that the juicy, shiney Apple [market share] is being slowly nibbled at and munched on by the Android creature. So much so, that iPad Mini is WELL and truly on its way this year (a full 18 months before it’s expected release date: Erm… knee jerk reaction much?!)

Could it finally be on it’s way?
It’s been rumoured for ages. Now Steve Jobs has gone (the sole advocater there was no future for 7 inch Tablets) will Apple start to move to the intermediate device.

So yes, I would love to close this piece here, and say that I was amongst those loyal few: That I did pre order mine happily and that it has arrived and I’m ecstatically, orgasmically happy with it… So much so I’ve thrown all other technology away… Gone, it went out of the window. I’m actually writing this piece on my Nexus 7 now! It’s fucking brilliant! Look at all the words I can type?!

Sadly not though. Nope. The article isn’t over dear reader. Here comes the kick in the teeth:

In the words of Galadriel, the Lady of Lorien and The Galadhrim:

“They were all of them deceived… for another batch was made. In the Land of Google, in the Workshops of Asus, the Dark Lord Android made another Batch, a master Batch…

…One Batch shipped to stores” …Oh, wait, sorry ‘…Tonnes of Batches shipped to stores’.

Alright, I took that a bit far. But, the essence is still there. Customers were deceived: Google did indeed lie, and ship units out to stores. Not just warehouses for online retailers, oh no, actual high street stores.

Again, much like the pre order rumours, it started small. A few people popped up on forums, with words that they had pre ordered their model physically in store. And what’s this!?! They also got the £15 or $25 free Google Play credit… They DIDN’T have to fork out $15 or £9 for 2 days shipping?! It had to be a lie, it was unconfirmed. Nope, those Android loyalists wouldn’t believe it, and the world turned on. Happily counting down those days till the release period arrived… those circled 10 days in the middle of July on their calendar that signalled the period they could expect their god like device from Google. Google, who, would never mislead or deceive them. Google, who, would give them that solid date as soon as they knew. After all, Google would want to announce their arrival on the Tablet scene with a BRILLIANT, glitch free release date. And if ANYONE could do that, Google could.

Then, a few more people revealed they too had managed to pre order theirs in person at numerous high street stores. Currys and PC World in the UK, Sam’s World, Gamestop and Staples in the US were all mentioned. Receipts were photographed using the pin sharp Galaxy SII and SIII cameras and shared on Superamoled screens. Shit, it must be true?! How could this be?! Betrayed by Google… lied too. But no, that had to be a lie. Perhaps there was something they had missed in the release statement:

Once again, the loyalists found their answer looking back through the release material (before Google went ‘Apple’ and completely dark on any form of release information in the seemingly brilliant move to build up hype). There it was; the news that high street stores would have stock and would be selling the mystical device AFTER those closest and most loyal to the Android had received their pre orders from Google Play. THERE IT WAS! The news that they had waited for: Google must have done it deliberately, giving stores the right to show a shipping date for their own stock so Androidians would know when to expect theirs. BRILLIANT Move, more free marketing and hype created through such a simple move.

So when was it, that mystical date? You could almost hear the ‘pop’ of lids coming off permanent markers as geeks went to mark their calendars: the 16^th July 2012. WOW! Spot on the middle of July. Well done Google, so far so good for that release date, and you haven’t shit on your loyal customers as many thought you had. Perhaps Google would pull this off. Indeed, the hype around the device was and still is palpable. Perhaps the time had come for the Apple to finally fall from its tree… Just maybe…

Again, I REALLY R.E.A.L.L.Y wish I could end this story here. As an avid Android fan, I really wish the story would just end…

“I wish I could tell you that Android fought the good fight, and Apple let them be. I wish I could tell you that”

Role credits ROLE! THE END TTHHEE EENNDD!!??!!

“- but technology releases are no fairy-tale world.”

Hmmm… maybe I’m taking these movie quotes too far. Maybe… We’ll see!

No, I can’t end the tale there. For Google’s grip on the matter, the release, and all form of respect was beginning to unravel. And it started with a tiny, relatively unknown website called EBuyer.

On the 12^th July 2012, (merely 4 more crossed off days geeks before you got your promised ‘one of the first’ models of that elusive Nexus 7) a few stories popped up on the internet that a few lucky sods had had the notification… their cards were charged… their devices shipped! Well, you’ve never seen people so excited about money going OUT of their account. At the news, thousands checked, and checked, and refreshed, and double checked their passwords and usernames for online banking, rang the helpline because, well, they must have the wrong log in info; no money had been taken from their account. What the hell was going on. And then, the news began to spread, those stories were from EBuyer customers… E. BUY. ER. How?! How was it possible that these (the words almost stuck as people spat them out in frustrated, thumped, typing on forums) EBUYER customers had received their devices before those who had pre ordered ON THE DAY OF UNVEILING? And not only that, but Ebuyer customers who had pre ordered a few days ago, and a fair few, who had simply logged on and bought one. You feel the war drums begin however and the ‘Schink’ of sharpening steel when it emerged that again, they had no shipping costs, and still received that ‘exclusive’ credit for Google Play (don’t forget loyal readers, supposedly only available through Google Play for early pre orders).

Well, now the web was buckling, the Apple jeers were growing louder. The anger of customers was building. What would Google do? Well, you’d have thought they would make a statement, denouncing EBuyer, stating it was wrong and they would never ever ever again sell the Nexus 7? No. Oh, perhaps they would get  aslap on the wrists and a delay on further stock? Nope… Hmmm, perhaps just the slap on the wrist a severe word. Still no. Perhaps I should stop guessing and stay silent.

CORRECT. Google stayed mute. And it continued to stay mute. Not giving away a physical release date. Hmm. What was going on? Well, it didn’t matter. Those golden emails that read ‘confirmation of shipping’ would arrive soon… focus on quick refreshes of those inboxes chaps incase you miss it by a few costly seconds. Well, the retail release date crept nearer and nearer, a few emails emerged of PC World, Staples and Sam’s Box orders were shipping.

Still no word from Google. The 16^th came and GASP! A fun word! The silence had been broken, and in ‘FANTASTICALLY original’ (even I have to break here. Original? PLEASE!) in the form of a lyrical Twitter message that went viral quicker than the spread of headlice through a primary school.

“Lock and loaded and ready to play. The Nexus 7 starts shipping today”.

The pain was forgotten, the fact that it was still later than the retail editions was blanked, and the shipping charge was waved aside. None of it mattered, it was SHIPPING! Goggle later confirmed in statements that it was shipping orders ‘in the order that they had been received’. FINALLY the elusive reason for the early pre orders was revealed! You could still get yours first! Brilliant.

Then, why were there people that had ordered on the 27^th June still not received a confirmation email? Why was there news that those who ordered on the 28^th June were having money leave their accounts (JOY!) only to be returned hours later (Sadness… I’m sure those 2 brackets are still the wrong way round). Why were those that ordered on the 12^th, 15^th, 17^th JULY receiving confirmation and even their tablets whilst these people were kept waiting?

And still the Google Play website had NO release date… no ‘now shipping’ notice, no, it still read shipped 1-2 weeks. The mixed messages were maddening. Infuriating. It was time to take to the phones and to emails to Google’s Customer Serv…Ah, and here we arrive at the present day, and the analysis of this whole tale.

Google’s Customer Service… And the fact that it doesn’t actually exist.

Google are entering the world of the big boys. The likes of Apple, Samsung, Microsoft, established companies that take pride in their customer service. If you’re going to compete, the infrastructure has to be there. And this is the essence of where Google have gone wrong.

Not only can you NOT contact their company; through email; well, you can email them, but good luck getting that reply, by phone (There is NO phone number outside of the USA for Google), but should you WISH to cancel an order, you have a, get this, because it’s fact, 15 minute, that’s ONE, FIVE Minute window from your order placement to do so. Otherwise it’s classed as ‘pre shipped’ and cannot be cancelled. And to cancel that order, you have to send an email, that you have to write and send yourself (not automatically done for you clumsy folks who ordered the wrong model) typing in your order number (all 45 digits of it) name, card number and shipping and card address. Now… Do you begin to see Google’s customer service beginning to fall apart?

Erm, also, correct me if I’m wrong, but having ordered something nearly thirty days ago, if it was in pre shipping for this long and STILL hasn’t been sent… what the fuck am I paying £9 shipping for?

Now, the second part of Google’s MASSIVE release cock up.

Here’s the tagline for their ‘Nexus 7’ and it’s not been changed ‘Made for Google Play’. Mm-hmm. Is this the same Google Play that I’ve ordered it from ‘exclusively’, with ‘exclusive credit for that very store’ where I ‘would get it first’. None of which turned out to be true. Now… why on EARTH would I want a device that was made for this store, which has lied to me about everything so far? I mean, for crying out loud, according to that store, even though I lived in the UK, I could still get access to Magazine subscriptions, Movies, TV Shows all through Google Play. Great, except, it turns out I can’t. So, not only has it lied on that front, it has FALSELY advertised what is available on their own device and didn’t bother to remove that information for 3 days AFTER it had become public information. Erm… I’m beginning to detect quite a few issues with this release so far. And it gets even better:

Now. We are up to at the time of writing this piece, the 18^th July. Still no official word from Google on the actual physical shipping of all their pre orders. It started as (from the 13^th July, all pre orders would be shipped in 3 days)… no chance of that. That’s a given.

What’s sad is that the Nexus 7 is a fantastic product. Google have clearly done what many feared would happen; they have massively underestimated demand. What kills me personally is that, it happens every time. Companies think they’re building demand, what they’re building is customer frustration and pushing customers to find similar products.

Yep… so after all the hype. Google fluffed it. Bottled it. Got cold feet.
Back to the drawing board, as we wait for that true Apple challenger.

And enter the iPad Mini. Which as stated before has seen Apple JUMP at this massive disaster of a release that Google have allowed and leaked several release dates… All between August and November.

So what can companies learn from Google’s mistakes:

Well, for starters, Only APPLE can do silence on releases well. Because they have it down to a tee, it’s been practiced and honed since the mediocre success that was the iPhone1 release. Google should never have gone silent, they should have kept customers informed as to what was going on, because, lets face it, it was NEVER going to go smoothly, it is Google’s essentially, trial run for their Project Glass release. They’ve never released a product themselves before, it needed constant communication and reassurance as to what was going on. Facing a wall of uncontactable silence when things are going wrong and not according to the publicised (or lack their of) plan is not only annoying it’s the shittest form of customer service.

Which leads us to the second thing companies can learn. You MUST have a Customer Service department in place before you do something like this. Because when things DO go wrong (which they will), customers NEED to get in contact with your company. I mean, on whats happened with Google: SHOULD something go wrong with the customers Nexus 7… who the FUCK do they contact for customer support. Hmm? No one at Google that’s for sure. You need to have at least one department to deal with complaints, enquiries, and the like. No, Google was doomed from the start without this. And whats even worse… They tried to do it silently and essentially and seemingly, stick their head in the sand, cover their ears and sing ‘La-la-la’ to themselves.

Bad, bad move.

Yep, much like elusive ‘perfect Trilogy’ Google fell at the final hurdle. And n such a ball smashing way, that Apple must be rubbing their money mottled hands and planning a tonne more Apple Orchards. Google have had their shot. And man oh MAN have they buggered it up.

Well done Google, the Apple behemoth now rumbles on, stronger than ever. Because if there is ONE thing Apple can offer…

It’s decent customer service and a shiny, healthy Apple for every loyal customer… and this one actually is ONLY available at Apple Stores.